Bitty!

It’s not easy being me. I flew back to Bergerac from Stansted courtesy of Ryanair (yes, I know) and had a gin and tonic reception at Bergerac International Airport – just when I had resolved to be good – what can you do?

The house was as chilly as an ice pop in a freezer box in Antarctica (are you sure? - Ed), but M&A had very kindly invited me to feast upon their victuals. I sat with Jean-Claude – which was great because he spoke not one word of English (which forced me to attempt my faltering Franglais in an ‘’Allo ‘Allo!’ stylee which kept the entire restaurant amused – in fact in stitches - when I say stitches I mean on the floor - when I say on the floor I mean falling off the floor) and dined on scallops followed by duck hearts. Duck hearts sounds like something you would say should you ever get a speaking part in Coronation Street: “Alwight my duck ‘arts? Listen, aintchore lunchower over yet me darlings? – Cumoorn, daant spin it owt, back to the factowy the lottovya!” Or something like that, especially if you have a speech impediment (apologies to Nancy Banks-Smith of the Guardian – a neighbour, in case you are interested, except a bit of a bone to pick because she keeps sticking notes through the letterbox saying the window cleaner is coming tomorrow (bit like ‘The Iceman Cometh’) but never see sight nor shammy of him). The windows can wait. Have I closed all the brackets by the way? – got a dreadful feeling I opened one too many back there – I love a bracket, I love a bracket, ooh I love a bracket – I do, I love a bracket.

Read (say ‘red’ not ‘reed’) a fascinating article in the paper (ahem, Guardian, ah-ah-ah-ahem) about how a fly can land on a ceiling. This wasn’t a headline by the way. But think about it – how does a fly land on the ceiling? Does it fly upside-down or loop-the-loop first? Answers on a postcard to: Blue Peter, BBC Television Centre, London W12 8QT. By the way, I know the solution – just ask me.

I also know more than I should about where saffron comes from. Near here actually if you were wondering. Again, I have enough material to bore the pants off a pants fetishist. So go on – test me.

Shall I go now?