I don't wanna be a candidate for Vietnam or Watergate cos all I want to do is...

Enough of this life of gluttony and sloth! I jumped out of bed like a jumpy jumper jumping, squeezed into my cycling gear (I’m sure it’s shrinking), hopped onto Mr Rusty and set off into the morning drizzle, shouting ‘Yabba-dabba-doo’ for some unknown reason. I headed off through the vineyards of Pecharmant and within half an hour I was thoroughly lost which is just the way I like it. I cycled up one hill that was so steep my front wheel lifted off the ground, resulting in a wheely-style performance spectacular enough to make any BMX trickster proud. Sadly there was nobody there to see it, except for a dead badger which lay on its back as if asleep, in the ditch at the side of the road. There but for the grace of God go I, I thought. I hope it wasn’t one of Harry Hill’s. Then it started to rain, first gnats and frogs, then rats and hogs, and finally cats and dogs. It was a menagerie of rain. Indeed, I saw green aligators and long-necked geese, some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees, some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you're born, I never got to see no unicorns. You can't beat a bit of Rolf.

Two hours later, and considerably wetter and colder than when I had set out, I was back indoors, and just in time for aperitifs with M&A who were joining our merry family trio for lunch. We set off with umbrellas aloft and heavy footsteps in the attic (that’s Rentaghost), to the busy little restaurant and feasted on fish soup, oysters, duck, fantastically stinky cheese, fresh pineapple and fabulous local wines, rounded off with champagne. As if that wasn’t enough, we then went for coffee and splashed out on a crepe suzette with a glass of Monbazillac. Ou est ma crepe suzette? we sang, in the style of Kenneth Williams.

Back indoors, for a fun-packed evening of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire (but we don’t want to give you that, apparently) which was like having Chris Tarrant in the house – can you imagine anything worse? There was much hilarity and gamesmanship, and more red wine was consumed than is strictly sensible quite frankly. I will simply say I will need to make two trips to the bottle bank now, and leave it there.